Oasis Week: Nowaysis

Boring, boorish, unoriginal and internationally-hyped beyond any explicable belief, I have never understood the phenomenon of Oasis. Now, I know the majority of people won't be having that, so I've had a little think as to the reasons why that might be. Cue a little bit of soul searching in blog-friendly list format...

10. It's a crazy sit-chew-ay-shi-YAN!
Like nails down a blackboard, the sound of this line being sung is something I never like to hear. Even trying to find a way to spell it phonetically to thoroughly capture how annoying it is has really, really pissed me off.

9. Rock 'n' roll stars (or not)
Oasis get into many a ruckus but it's always just thuggish tomfoolery rather than exemplary rock 'n' roll behaviour. Most recent is the revelation Liam once decked Gazza with a fire extinguisher when the former footie star thought it was funny to go up to him and say: "ey, roll with it, do you know what I mean' or something equally as embarrassing to all concerned. Admittedly I might have done the same, but Liam bought it all upon himself by popularising such a meaningless moto and the idea of those two lunatics getting kicked out of some 'sleb bar in London is little more than the equivalent of what a copper contact of mine used to refer to as a "smeg-on-smeg" incident, ie: something that normal, civilised people didn't have to worry their heads over.

8. Insipid post-mod artwork
Union Jacks! Benson and Hedges packets! Yellow filters to make everything look as if we were peering through a pair of rose tinted, sorry, John Lennon tinted glasses. Dull. Dull. DULL!

7. The Jay-Z thing
As soon as Noel opened his mouth to say: 'I'm not having hip-hop at Glastonbury, it's wrong', I knew Jay-Z would rip him a new one. In style. And he did.

It was the comment of an ignoramus, whose limited imagination was only highlighted by the success of what he was trying to ridicule. It's always been interesting to see how Jay-Z moves with the times. We have been waiting since 1994 for Oasis to move with the times.

6. Wonderwall
Ah, Wonderwall. Up there with Robbie Williams' Angels and Boyzone's version of Seasons in the Sun, a true weddings/ funerals/ christenings mid-90s definitive anthem. For morons. The kind of people who find this sort of thing meaningful are the kind of people who reckon Chris Moyles bullying the ginger one in Girls Aloud is comedy genius.

5. Nationalising the Manc swagger
No, you never called your brother 'arkid' before you got into Oasis, neither did you walk like that. There's no sadder a sight than a Mancunian, or anyone for that matter, traipsing about with a zipped up anorak and a 'do you want some' sneer in a Liam stylee 15 years after the fact. It looked stupid then, and it looks stupid now.

4. Worst. Bandname. Evarr.
When Oasis first started making themselves known, I thought I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. I had my misgivings - the really boring name set the alarm bells ringing straight away - but thought that so many people were getting into them, seriously getting into them, that maybe they were actually good.
Then when I heard them, they were so completely and utterly pointless and uninspiring I nearly fell into a coma.

3. Don't Look Back in Anger
A quick Wikipedia to look for legitimate reasons to hate this song tells me 1) Noel was off his tits when he wrote it, 2) There was no Sally, it was just 'a word that fitted', but its inclusion was bound to 'guarantee somebody a shag off a bird called Sally' and 3), the chord progression for both the verse and the chorus are based on the classical piece Canon in D by Johann Pachelbel. I'm doubting Oasis were actually aware of that at the time.

2. WannaBe-atles
Let's keep it simple. The Beatles had style, a sense of fun, talent, ideas, personality, foresight, sensitivity, and lots and lots of very good songs.
Oasis don't have any of those things.

1. She's Electric
She's Electric just makes me want to scream at the injustice of the entire world. It just doesn't seem fair that anyone could stumblebum their way to millionaire-dom by writing songs that go - and I can barely bring myself to type this out but I must, MUST - "She's got a sister/ God only knows how I missed her/ and on the palm of her hand is a blister". But apparently that's the kind of world we're living in. Sigh.

I rest my case.